A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

A joke is a very serious thing.
Winston Churchill

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.
Clifton Paul Fadiman

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.
Hugh Sidey

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
William James

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.
Agnes Repplier

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Mark Twain

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.
Jennifer Jones

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
Francis Bacon

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Larry Gelbart

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin