My first job ............

 1.

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
  
  
  2.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  
  
  3.

After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
  
  
  4.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
  
  
  5.

Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
  
  
  6.

Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
  
  
  7.

My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
  
  
  8.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
  
  
  9.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
  
  
  10.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
  
  
  11.

Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
  
  
  12.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..
  
  
  13. 

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
  
  14.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.   
  
  

15. 

SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB! 

How To Succeed At Work And In Career ...........

 

1. Don’t talk negatively about people behind their backs. If you gossip, people won’t confide in you. Mind your own business.

2. Try to work for someone who’ll challenge your powers. You’ll learn more in a year than 4 years of college.

3. Successful bosses have good communication skills. They learn from people, including their employees.

4. Work in such a way that makes your boss look good. It’s not flattery.

5. On downsizing, the first to go are those with few friends. Bosses prefer competent people whom they respect.

6. Dress for the job you want, not the one you have. Let your dress reflect professionalism.

7. Workout to get in good physical shape. Unless exceptionally skilled, the unhealthy are at a comparative disadvantage.

8. Personal integrity is crucial. Tell nothing but the truth. Bosses can forgive mistakes but if you lie, you’re gone.

9. Be on time. Try to arrive few minutes early. It saves you from stress. You’ll be much relaxed & work better.
10. Strive your best to keep a deadline. If you cannot meet it, then apologize & ask for an extension

11. Don’t take things personally. If some people are unhappy with you, it’s their problem. But always strive to give your best.

12. If you must correct someone, don’t get personal about it. Do it never in front of others.

13. Spend some time alone everyday. What’s the mission of my life? What do I want to be? And how to go about it.

14. As you move along Plan A of your career, maintain a Plan B as well — an alternative course to rely

15. Always remember that the secret of success is passion. Always think big. Spread love & joy. You’ll have blissful years ahead.  

Adult Truths...........

 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history and emails if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger..

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11.  You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Conquer Your Weakness .....

This is a story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn’t understand why, after three months of training, the master had taught him only one move. “Sensei,” the boy finally said, “Shouldn’t I be learning more moves?”

“This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you’ll ever need to know,” the Sensei replied. Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.

Several months later, the Sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the Sensei intervened. “No,” the Sensei insisted, “Let him continue.”

Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion.

On the way home, the boy and Sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind. “Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?”

“You won for two reasons,” the Sensei answered. “First, you’ve almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm.”
The boy’s greatest weakness had become his greatest strength.”  

To animal lovers everywhere......

How to wash a toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up. 

And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. 
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
 
8 The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
 
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

People don't care ............

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

We tend to forget that...

  

 

Happiness doesn’t come...

as a result of getting something we don’t have,
But it rather comes..

by recognizing and appreciating all that

we have.