MEN vs WOMEN

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.




WOMEN'S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

‘No, ' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'




UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.




CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers , 'You see , it's like this , yesterday , I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes , and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

‘Yep, ' the wife replied , 'in-laws.'




WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30 , 000 to a man's 15 , 000.

The wife replied , 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....

The husband then turned to his wife and asked , 'What?'





CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, ' Al low me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!




WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.




God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Stupid, stupid man..............

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.  Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.” Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will
this take?” I ask.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your butt didn't it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.

A real woman is a man's best friend.......

                       

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

.

.

.

.

...no wait... sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey.

It’s whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind!

A short story ................

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

RETIREMENT BONUS ...........

RETIf this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and chiefs, and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.  They promised any officer or E-8 or E-9 NCO who volunteered for Retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.  The officer/NCO got to choose what those two points would be.



The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.  He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.  He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.  "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

Scotch with two drops of water ......

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'


The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

 


'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs

and make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!'



'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you

on your new alligator shoes

and you're barefoot.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy

and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless

pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes,

just as long as you don't have to go along.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police




'OLD' IS WHEN...


'Getting a little action'

means you don't need to take any fiber today.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

in the parking lot.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up

to use the bathroom.



AND



'OLD' IS WHEN....

You are not sure these are jokes?

Here's a little poem for you.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.


We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
Just from riding in the car.
 

 

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.





That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.



So, enjoy each day and live it up...

Before you're too damned old!

In life .............

In life, answer to only one question matters!
Have you chosen a course that leads to a destination which matters most to you?

 

Grounded for ONE week only??????

<!-- Begin  dballzepisode.blogspot.com - provided code --><script type="text/javascript"

getting old?????????????

Two elderly ladies met at the laundry after not seeing one another for a long time...

After inquiring about each other's health, one of the ladies asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"I opened a can of peas instead!"

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know..........
Is what tells each one where to go!

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars...

... I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Relax and get used to the idea.....

 

 

 

Andrew goes into a restaurant with his wife.

The waiter approaches the  table and asks for their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers Andrew, "she'll order for herself."

 

 

 

 

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

 

 

 

Do you know who I am???!!!!

d

 

Do you know who I am???!!!!

An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at the old Stapleton airport, a crowded flight was cancelled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F### you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry.

What a waste!

An eagle's egg was placed in the nest of a prairie chicken. The egg hatched and the little eagle grew up thinking it was a prairie chicken.

The eagle did what the prairie chickens did. It scratched in the dirt for seeds. It clucked and cackled. It never flew more than a few feet because that is what the prairie chickens did.

One day he saw an eagle flying gracefully and majestically in the open sky. He asked the prairie chickens: "What is that beautiful bird?" The chickens replied, "That is an eagle. He is an outstanding bird, but you cannot fly like him because you are just a prairie chicken."

So the eagle never gave it a second thought, believing that to be the truth. He lived the life of and died a prairie chicken, depriving himself of his heritage because of his lack of vision.

What a waste! He was born to win, but was conditioned to lose. Do not let people or situations or even yourself condition you to lose in life.

Plan it .........

 

DO NOT WISH ILL FOR YOUR ENEMY,

 

PLAN IT.

 

 

Others can stop you temporarily ....

1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.



2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.

3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.

4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.

5. Success stops when you do.

6. When your ship comes in…. make sure you are willing to unload it.

7. You will never have it all together.

8. Life is a journey…not a destination. Enjoy the trip!

9. The biggest lie on the planet.... When I get what I want I will be happy.

10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.

11. I’ve learned that ultimately , ‘takers’ lose and ‘givers’ win.

12. Life’s precious moments don’t have value, unless they are shared.

13. If you don’t start, it’s certain you won’t arrive.

14. We often fear the thing we want the most.

15. He or she who laughs……lasts.

16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

17. Look for opportunities…not guarantees.

18. Life is what’s coming….not what was.

19. Success is getting up one more time.

20. Now is the most interesting time of all.

21. When things go wrong…..don’t go with them.

Do Not Bite Off More Than You Can Chew.............

1. Do Not Interfere In Others’ Business Unless Asked:

Most of us create our own problems by interfering too often in others’ affairs. We do so because somehow we have convinced ourselves that our way is the best way, our logic is the perfect logic and those who do not conform to our thinking must be criticized and steered to the right direction, our direction. This thinking denies the existence of individuality and consequently the existence of God.. God has created each one of us in a unique way. No two human beings can think or act in exactly the same way. All men or women act the way they do because God within them prompts them that way. Mind your own business and you will keep your peace.

–

2. Forgive And Forget:

This is the most powerful aid to peace of mind. We often develop ill feelings inside our heart for the person who insults us or harms us. We nurture grievances. This in turn results in loss of sleep, development of stomach ulcers, and high blood pressure. This insult or injury was done once, but nourishing of grievance goes on forever by constantly remembering it. Get over this bad habit. Life is too short to waste in such trifles. Forgive to Forget, and march on. Love flourishes in giving and forgiving.

–

3. Do Not Crave For Recognition:

This world is full of selfish people. They seldom praise anybody without selfish motives. They may praise you today because you are in power, but no sooner than you are powerless, they will forget your achievement and will start finding faults in you. Why do you wish to kill yours if in striving for their recognition? Their recognition is not worth the aggravation. Do your duties ethically and sincerely.

–

4. Do Not Be Jealous:

We all have experienced how jealousy can disturb our peace of mind. You know that you work harder than your colleagues in the office, but sometimes they get promotions; you do not. You started a business several years ago, but you are not as successful as your neighbor whose business is only one year old. There are several examples like these in everyday life. Should you be jealous? No. Remember everybody’s life is shaped by his/her destiny, which has now become his/her reality. If you are destined to be rich, nothing in the world can stop you. If you are not so destined, no one can help you either. Nothing will be gained by blaming others for your misfortune. Jealousy will not get you anywhere; it will only take away your peace of mind.

–

5. Change Yourself According To The Environment:

If you try to change the environment single-handedly, the chances are you will fail. Instead, change yourself to suit your environment. As you do this, even the environment, which has been unfriendly to you, will mysteriously change and seem congenial and harmonious.

–

6. Endure What Cannot Be Cured:

This is the best way to turn a disadvantage into an advantage. Every day we face numerous inconveniences, ailments, irritations, and accidents that are beyond our control. If we cannot control them or change them, we must learn to put up with these things. We must learn to endure them cheerfully. Believe in yourself and you will gain in terms of patience, inner strength and will power.

–

7. Do Not Bite Off More Than You Can Chew:

This maxim needs to be remembered constantly. We often tend to take more responsibilities than we are capable of carrying out. This is done to satisfy our ego. Know your limitations. . Why take on additional loads that may create more worries? You cannot gain peace of mind by expanding your external activities. Reduce your material engagements and spend time in prayer, introspection and meditation. This will reduce those thoughts in your mind that make you restless. Uncluttered mind will produce greater peace of mind.

–

8. Meditate Regularly:

Meditation calms the mind and gets rid of disturbing thoughts. This is the highest state of peace of mind. Try and experience it yourself. If you meditate earnestly for half an hour everyday, your mind will tend to become peaceful during the remaining twenty-three and half-hours. Your mind will not be easily disturbed as it was before. You would benefit by gradually increasing the period of daily meditation. You may think that this will interfere with your daily work. On the contrary, this will increase your efficiency and you will be able to produce better results in less time.

–

9. Never Leave The Mind Vacant:

An empty mind is the devil’s workshop. All evil actions start in the vacant mind. Keep your mind occupied in something positive, something worthwhile. Actively follow a hobby. Do something that holds your interest. You must decide what you value more: money or peace of mind. Your hobby, like social work or religious work, may not always earn you more money, but you will have a sense of fulfillment and achievement. Even when you are resting physically, occupy yourself in healthy reading or mental chanting of God’s name.

–

10. Do Not Procrastinate And Never Regret:

Do not waste time in protracted wondering ” Should I or shouldn’t I?” Days, weeks, months, and years may be wasted in that futile mental debating. You can never plan enough because you can never anticipate all future happenings. Value your time and do the things that need to be done. It does not matter if you fail the first time. You can learn from your mistakes and succeed the next time. Sitting back and worrying will lead to nothing. Learn from your mistakes, but do not brood over the past. DO NOT REGRET. Whatever happened was destined to happen only that way. Why cry over split milk?

 

 

 

Today life means ...

Earlier, life meant:

A winter evening, Four friends, Mild rain.., Four pegs of rum.

 

Earlier, life meant:
100 bucks for petrol, Two rusty old bikes.., An open road.

 

Earlier, life meant:
Maggi noodles, A hostel room, 3.25 a.m.., Sharing food.. and love.

 

Earlier, life meant:
Last minute exam preparations, One night, One book.., 8 duffers.

 

Earlier, life meant:
One girl, One number, 4 friends.., And a fight.

 

Today life means:

Old friends, Separate cities, Separate lives.,
And endless efforts to earn money & get peace.

Today what you are looking in life..,

Is probably that you lost in your way here.

Remember old friends, old memories you shared, Reconnect, rejoice!

 

 

 

 

 

You are Rich or Poor

You are Rich or Poor in life by...
Smiles around you,
Friends you make,
People you are with,
Ideas you have,
Dreams you chase,
And the love you spread.

perspective

 Helps to keep it all in perspective.
 This is something we should all read at least once a week!
 Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
 "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
 It is the most-requested column I've ever written."
 
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

 

 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
 5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile..
 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
 24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
 27. Always choose life.
 28. Forgive everyone everything.
 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
 33. Believe in miracles.
 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young..
 37. Your children get only one childhood.
 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
 42. The best is yet to come. 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
 44. Yield.
 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

 

 Its estimated 93% won't forward this.

If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'. 

I'm in the 7%.

 Remember that I will always share my spoon with you!
 Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

Dalai Lama

 

All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.


Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.


Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.


I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe.


If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.


If you have a particular faith or religion, that is good. But you can survive without it.


If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.


In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.


It is necessary to help others, not only in our prayers, but in our daily lives. If we find we cannot help others, the least we can do is to desist from harming them.


It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for both yourself and others will come.


Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.


My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.


Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.


Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.


Sleep is the best meditation.


Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something, and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent.


The purpose of our lives is to be happy.


The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.


The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual's own reason and critical analysis.


There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.


Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized by a sense of Universal responsibility, not only nation to nation and human to human, but also human to other forms of life.


We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.


We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.


Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace.


Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion.


With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world.

China 's Las Vegas

China 's Las Vegas

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=uI2kO4qTi80&vq=medium 

ADVICE FROM AN UNDERSTANDING RETIRED HUSBAND...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house keeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
   
   

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri... When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed

she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
   
   

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table

for several hours after dinner.

 I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. 

For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out

over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri.I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Jim 
   

EDITOR'S NOTE:

 Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ass, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.