MEN vs WOMEN

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.




WOMEN'S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

‘No, ' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'




UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.




CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers , 'You see , it's like this , yesterday , I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes , and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

‘Yep, ' the wife replied , 'in-laws.'




WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30 , 000 to a man's 15 , 000.

The wife replied , 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....

The husband then turned to his wife and asked , 'What?'





CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, ' Al low me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!




WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.




God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Stupid, stupid man..............

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.  Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.” Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will
this take?” I ask.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your butt didn't it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.

A real woman is a man's best friend.......

                       

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

.

.

.

.

...no wait... sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey.

It’s whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind!

A short story ................

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

RETIREMENT BONUS ...........

RETIf this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and chiefs, and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.  They promised any officer or E-8 or E-9 NCO who volunteered for Retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.  The officer/NCO got to choose what those two points would be.



The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.  He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.  He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.  "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

Scotch with two drops of water ......

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'


The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

 


'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs

and make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!'



'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you

on your new alligator shoes

and you're barefoot.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy

and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless

pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes,

just as long as you don't have to go along.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police




'OLD' IS WHEN...


'Getting a little action'

means you don't need to take any fiber today.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

in the parking lot.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up

to use the bathroom.



AND



'OLD' IS WHEN....

You are not sure these are jokes?

Here's a little poem for you.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.


We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
Just from riding in the car.
 

 

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.





That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.



So, enjoy each day and live it up...

Before you're too damned old!