I must see .........

http://www.cultureunplugged.com/play/1081/Chicken-a-la-Carte

The PLANE ..........

A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died.

After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.

"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!"

The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know

that you are flying upside down?"

"Because I have shit running up my neck!!!"

When life gives you lemon............

When life gives you lemons,
throw them back and demand chocolate.

 

 

 

 

 

A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me, talking to the beer."

 

 

 

 

A man was sick and tired

of going to work every day

while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went

through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put

in 8 hours while my wife

merely stays at home.

I want her to know what

I go through.

So, please allow her body to

switch with mine for a day. 


God, in his infinite wisdom,

granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough,

the man awoke as a woman...

He arose, cooked breakfast

for his mate,

Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked

up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank

to make a deposit,  

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put

away the groceries,  

Paid the bills and balanced

the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box

and bathed the dog..

Then, it was already 1 P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,

Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust, And sweep and mop

the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up

the kids and got into an argument

with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and

got the kids organized to do

their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board

and watched TV while he

did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling

potatoes and washing

vegetables for salad,

breaded the pork chops

and snapped

fresh beans for supper. 

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids, And put

them to bed.

At 9 P.M. He was exhausted

and, though his daily chores

weren't finished, he went to

bed where he was expected to

make love, which he managed

to get through without complaint. 

The next morning, he awoke

and immediately knelt by the

bed and said: -

Lord, I don't know what

I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my

wife's being able to stay

home all day.

Please, Oh! Please,

let us trade back... Amen!'  
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 

'My son, I feel you have

learned your lesson and

I will be happy to change

things back to the way

they were.

You'll just have to wait

nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.' 

How true...........

“To have been angered in argument is,

to have already been defeated.”

Richter Scale ...

The Richter magnitudes are based on a logarithmic scale (base 10).

What this means is that for each whole number you go up on the Richter scale, the amplitude of the ground motion recorded by a seismograph goes up ten times.

Using this scale, a magnitude 5 earthquake would result in ten times the level of ground shaking as a magnitude 4 earthquake (and 32 times as much energy would be released).

To give you an idea how these numbers can add up, think of it in terms of the energy released by explosives: a magnitude 1 seismic wave releases as much energy as blowing up 6 ounces of TNT. A magnitude 8 earthquake releases as much energy as detonating 6 million tons of TNT.

Friendship............

"Friendship isn't about who you have known the longest
It's about those who came and never left your side."

LIFE.........

 

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. 

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 
Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing. 

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? 

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

And The Number 1 Thought 

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. 

- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

 

They, too, will get old............

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly...  As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating  that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but  looks so avante garde on my patio I am entitled to a treat, to be  messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will. 

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old. 

I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. 

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.  So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.  As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore…I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old.. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it). 

The Beauty of Life .....

The beauty of life is not how happy you are, but how happy others can be because of you.